dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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