i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
