she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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