my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dignity is for republicans.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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