My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
