Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
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I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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