The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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