So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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