Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
