So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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