so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
