i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
