my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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