I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
