I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
