you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
