my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
