so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
