I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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