Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
