I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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