apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I am one with the molecules
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
