How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
