i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
