Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
