shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
