You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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