I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
