Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
