Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
