My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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