And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
