Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
