the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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