Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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