This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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