maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
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Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
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