The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
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He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
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Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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