i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
