Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
