One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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