the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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