remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
