what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
