i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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