dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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