i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
