Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
