I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
