Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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