Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
