i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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