Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
