I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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