well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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