Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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