We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
