would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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