apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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