i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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