now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
